The Decloration of My Diary: MY DAILY PLEDGE

I am who I am, and I LOVE ME, IN ALL OF MY UNIQUENESS, for who I am now and was created to be, and on THIS DAY I choose to LIVE TO THE FULLEST! With no regrets, I will make one step today for my future tomorrow. I will "FORGET the mistakes AND CONTINUE to PRESS FORWARD TOADY for the PRIZE".

Friday, February 12, 2010

REALITY CHECK......WAIT....Who Gon Check Me Boo!

                  The other day a good friend of mine (HomieLOverFriend) and I were talking and he (going through the weight loss process as well) asked "What if you wake up tomorrow morning and you were skinny? You were the size and shape you wanted to be, what would you do?" And in the moment I answered honestly, I said nothing. I mean I would go and get new clothes and be like ok. And since being asked, the question stayed in my thoughts, and I've really wondered if it happened what would I do?

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                This past week my BigBro also sent me a link ( ) to a interview with a man who used to play proball and struggled with his weight even though for his position required a heavier weight he weighed more than that even when he wasn't playing. (YOU HAVE TO HEAR IT MAN IT IS THE TRUTH FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE EVER STRUGGLED WITH IT) As I sat and listened to the interview in total silence, I happened to hear him in the interview, but saw myself answering each of the questions and sharing my own struggle with the process. And as I listened intently to his heart I began to weep for my own, one thing he mentioned is that though he felt the clothes getting tighter and know things didn't fit right anymore, though he never got on a scale or looked in a mirror, he KNEW it was a problem, but he NEVER wanted to FACE HIS REALITY, and that kept him in hiding to where he couldn't even share his weight and health concerns with his wife, which now presented an even greater growing issue.

                 As this man made this statement I couldn't help but have my own REALITY CHECK. Just like him, I realized that I don't get on scales, except at the doctor with the massive old one with those dreadful sliding weight things oh how I hate them, I don't really get in mirrors, full length rather, and that I often feel that I can't and don't seriously talk about my weight/health, unless the person is going through the same thing. Me doing these things were/are my way of ESCAPING MY REALITY, and NOT FACING my own. If you noticed many of my pics are with me shoulders up, face only, cause I'm cute duh, but also because I am not confident in what the rest of me looks like. I mean don't get me wrong, I can dress it up, I can make this thang look good, but I honestly use the philosophy "OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND" and the fact of me even going through this journey and sharing it with you, ESPECIALLY THOSE PICTURES, started because when I took a picture with a friend I SAW what my body looked like, I passed by a reflecting mirror and SAW what I did to my temple it was a slap in my face "REALITY CHECK" No longer could I run from it, because it was that that made me see just how far I had gone.
                 Now I've had many warning, and "red flags" along the way that SHOULD have checked me, but I failed to pay attention to them because I felt that if I didn't face it, it would just go away. WRONG! At 22, April 21, 2006 just 2 1/2 weeks before I was to graduate from college I had an acute heartattack, collapsed artery, (the very thing that killed my uncle at 33 my freshman year) about a year and a half later other health issues relating to women developed, and all of the common signs of obesity were evident in my life, even after hearing "If you don't lose the weight you will die, and if you lose the weight many of your health issues now will be managed" I didn't do anything. HOWEVER NOW things are different, my perspective on my temple and what I am doing it for is far greater than me just doing it. before I felt like I'm not doing it because you want me to, because I want to get a "man", because of this and that, and I will do it when I GET READY, I’m GROWN (that was prideful, guarded, self-control less, defensive back blocking progress )but honestly, because I WAS RUNNING from so many things in my life, and the food gave comfort and no disappointment or talk back, food never said no and had become my best friend (Sorry Get Fresh Crew, yes above you too :-) However, I see this is FAR GREATER THAN ME. So, me now being held accountable (KV my AP and TWIN you on it) to other people in this journey, holds me up. I feel more committed because I am setting my weekly goals, and seeing the successes and adjustments in my diet, exercise, and all and it keeps me positive and encouraged to press on. So I openly say “WHO GON CHECK ME BOO!?!” Before I was closed and not welcoming, but now my heart is open and the soil is soft, the seed has been planted and your accountability, words of encouragement, and stories of your own challenges water my seed, and as you do so, my spirit is growing in so much more as I go along and seek Christ in this process.
                 I've come realize that those who Christ recognized as being a great, honorable, and favorable in his eyes SOUGHT HIM and BELIEVED MORE IN HIM than in themselves, what they had, and what they were to gain from it. It was their character and the essence of their heart that dictated their behaviors and the words that came from them. Galations 5:22-23 talks about the frutis of the Spirit, the characteristic of Christ, which are the very things that I seek to be evident in my own life, and what I found is that we I submit to Christ and seek after him, those fruits and attributes will grow within me and will become evident in my life, and will help guide me along this journey.
               So in the end to answer the question, what would I do, I have a different answer. I would be shocked and surprised, and I honestly be like ok, quitting cold turkey leaves room for more temptation and an increased chance of me going back, and I wouldn’t appreciate it as much, because me going through the process the HARD WAY…OHHH ITS HARD RESISTING TEMPTATION… I’m GAINING so much more from Christ and those around me, I’m LEARNING more about myself, my new behaviors, nutrition, finances, so that I can MAINTAIN and BETTER MANAGE what I will have, and ultimately I’m DEFEATING more of the things that have held me bound through this process, which makes me appreciate my journey and the testimony of those around me!

** This past week (since the last blog) I’ve had 2 moderate days and 3 failures (financial and nutritional), BUT I had 11.7 SUCCESSES! I’ve improved on eating more healthy meals and snacks throughout the day, and I started portion control (this week’s new goal). And I’m PROUD of myself! Check the recipe section for this week’s new recipe and a few pics of previous meals will be up soon.

1 comment:

  1. You're doing such a GREAT job!!! I am really happy for you and I can't wait to see you fit into that yellow dress!! Call me anytime :-)