The Decloration of My Diary: MY DAILY PLEDGE

I am who I am, and I LOVE ME, IN ALL OF MY UNIQUENESS, for who I am now and was created to be, and on THIS DAY I choose to LIVE TO THE FULLEST! With no regrets, I will make one step today for my future tomorrow. I will "FORGET the mistakes AND CONTINUE to PRESS FORWARD TOADY for the PRIZE".

Friday, March 19, 2010

The NAKED Truth

But I've been gone for a while, not because I was running from being ABBG, but I had a major exam for school that I was studying for. I became anxious, nervous, and panicked for it. I tried to divert my mind on other things outside of my test and began to really just TRIP OUT! Needless to say I'm back. So to catch up with where I am I decided to just do ONE REALLY EXTRA LONG post! So if you don't have time now to read it..........come back and do so! So go grab some popcorn, a snack, a drink or two, while I catch you up and EXPOSE THE NAKED TRUTH about me over the past few weeks! ................................................. Ok you're back! Just as I said before I will have some ups and downs and that this was my way of being accountable to not just myself and my commitment but also to you, well that is EAXACTLY what has been happening, despite everything that has been going on in life. So here goes with the update!

Ever felt like you were you and were doing what you were suppose to do, then something happened and you had too many things to hide and was overwhelmed by it all? Ever felt like you did something sooooo bad that you couldn't tell anyone and that you were somehow bad because failed yourself and those who care for you? It’s funny and doesn't matter if you have, because you don't have to I have! I've been on this journey for over a while now, Jan 10th to be specific, and its been interesting. Over the past few weeks I've learned to adjust my eating, cooking, financial, workout, and spiritual behaviors. I've grown, loss, and matured in all over them, but trust they have not come without heartache, tears, and conviction. Now take none of this as blame or brush off, but simply what it is an update and my truth. Over the past few weeks in preparation for this test, I feel back into my old ways of responding to life; eating everything insight, spending, and wanting to sleep. I've stayed with the cooking and keeping that adjusted, and the inclusion of fruits and veggies, but I've also eaten beyond my cut off time, foods that were high in fats and salts, cold drinks, and quick fixes. Typically when stressed these are the behaviors I indulge in eating endlessly, spending unnecessary money, and just being lazy. I've found myself wanting to return back to that place, but also being constantly reminded of the commitment I made.

I ask for accountability and opened myself up to wisdom, rebuke, support and encouragement, but never expected it to be like this, and I am ETERNALLY GREATFUL!

Commitment as defined by Webster is the act of committing to a charge or trust; an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee; an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date; something pledged; the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally compelled. Do they all not speak to me! But i thought about the commitments I've made in the past and kept the ones I've made and did not keep. Then I thought about the commitment I made to follow Christ. Looking back on it that was one of the easiest yet toughest commitments I've made. To let go of my own life and will and follow suit after Him. To remember to stay true and be a witness. I agreed that whatever was to come from this relationship I was willing to endure and would not falter or waiver in my decision to continue to pursue Him. And that meant at all cost, even when I felt like giving up and in, I would choose to turn to Him and deny myself things that were not for my own good. Could i not do this same thing with the things of my natural world? Why does it seem to be soo hard to commit to getting up at the crack of dawn to work out, or to just give up what my tongue feels and my mind says it like; ultimately committing to staying true. God's word and promise, His commitment to us never fails, falters, waivers, or slacks, yet our commitment to Him and others does. If we are to be like Him, then why is it ok to ask for an excuse when we fail to live up to a commitment? WORD IS BOND, SON! Words that have never been truer. Those words, promises, declarations we make are the commitments we hold to Christ and to others. And the truth behind them speaks to our character, weakness, faults, and judgment.

About 2 weeks ago, man I've been gone, I went to my life changers group and we just happened to discuss telling the truth, trusting, and so on. And just prior to going to the meeting I waded about how I would tell how I was doing in this commitment. At the same time I was approached by someone expressing interest in pursuing a relationship with me, and some other things that would require me to commit and/or tell the truth. SIDE BAR TIME OUT: I love how when God is trying to show you something, confirmation will come in sooooooooooo many ways, and later you realize it wasn't even about the things in front of you but more so the principle behind them! OK, TIME IN: So we had the discussion and it was soooo convicting because I knew what I had to do. I had to be honest with where I was in this commitment and also with the gentleman about some things in our relationship. See I had fallen off the good progress I was on and I had lied to him for 3 yeas and never told the truth, about the situation or about my feelings for him in a relationship, and a few other weakness in my life to the people that hold me accountable. I wanted to run an hid, but had been convicted the more I read my word and sough God about my next moves with these things. The scripture that night focused on Genesis 3. And it simply details the act of eating from the tree of knowledge and how Adam and Eve hid from God and was later driven out of the garden. Though I've heard the story so many times before, because of where I was/am it spoke so much more to me. See God had a plan for the two; had made a commitment to them, that they were able to eat, play, and drink (sounds like dave and busters) as they so chose, except from this one tree. And when they chose to break their end of the commitment things changed. See God stayed faithful to His promise, but man was deceived and broke his. Their eyes then became open to the truth, one another, and they ran and then hid from God. He knew exactly where they were and what had happened, but their shame and fear of being naked with each other and God caused them both to hid. God called out to them and they continued to hide, until he called them to step into the open. How often have we hid from God? When he called out to us, we responded and tried to talk and do as he asked from our hiding place? Needless to say, he blamed her, she blamed the serpent, and the serpent kept quiet. In the end God held them all responsible for their actions, and for not holding to their commitment and telling the truth; each receiving their due response.

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Just like them, I had from updating you, I hid some things from him, that would have/has affected our relationship, and I hid from some commitments that should have been made a long time ago. I was afraid, afraid to not be just naked to you and him, but I was afraid of being naked to God, who already knew what was going on and ultimately why. I was afraid to tell the truth because I knew that I would be held accountable to my actions, and had to receive my due responsive consequences, and I didn't want to. I didn't want to take responsibility, but I did, with the assistance of 2 amazing friends "My Capital City" and "Lil JoJo" who hounded me every day, and the liberty that followed me telling the truth was the most liberating feeling ever. Needless to say again, from that moment forward I was convicted EVERY SINGLE WAKING MOMENT OF THE DAY, UNTIL I TOLD THE TRUTH AND HELD TO MY COMMITMENT!

Every person, well just about every person, in my life that knows where I am and where I'm coming from challenged, rebuked, fussed at, called, text, emailed, and so on, me about where I was and what I was doing. No longer hiding behind the excuse of my test, because I found time to do all these other things, I confess to you where I am.

Physically: I am now at 354lbs form 366lbs - could have been down more but I've slacked on working out and I was eating the wrong stuff. From there I still loss some but not as much. Since then I've started working out and strengthening more, I've gone down a dress size, and can wear a dress from Old Navy. (still gotta get it looking right, but the fact that I can get in it is amazing to me!) I've changed the eating but still need to cut things out of my diet. I must give a hand out to "Homie, Lover, Friend" and to "Craving Killer KeKe" who consistently challenge and show me that this something that can be fought and overcome, and that each day is a struggle, but is well worth it in the end. And to those of you who are trying the new dishes with me, thanks, I know your taste buds have been all over the place!

Financially: In the past 3 weeks I have spent approximately $350 on unnecessary stuff. Though it was spring clothes, some of it also went to wigs and grabbing a quick meal while out. Since then I have also saved $400 (though minus the wigs and stuff it could have been $750) need mind you I am now unemployed again. I realized my saving should not be contingent upon me not having a job and trying to save, but in both having an job and jobless, I should be able to saving. THANKS TC WELLS FOR STAYING ON TOP OF ME! YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION AND PERSONAL CONVICTION ALL IN ONE!

Spiritually: I've come to a greater and more challenging place in Christ and seeing Him in a new way. I must be in a season of conviction as it relates to commitments, and also in a season of receptivity for rebuke and wisdom. Before I've been rebellious, YES I ADMIT IT, but I have been more transparent and open and have been able to receive from both those I hold near and others I would not typically expect to even open up to (not just random people though, I still exercise wisdom, can be receiving from *$R$(*&($*@()#*) ies). I am appreciative of all of you who have poured into and continuously extract the foolishness from my life.

In the end, we never want to be naked, exposed or found faulty, it shows our flaws, and at times we make excuses for why we can't do something, which is usually an excuse for why we won't do something, but if you can make a commitment for something small then why not make a commitment that will be life changing and everlasting!

**** Random thought: After reading it, this is truly just one big excuse so forget the disclaimers and excuses but get the point behind it, LOL *****