The Decloration of My Diary: MY DAILY PLEDGE

I am who I am, and I LOVE ME, IN ALL OF MY UNIQUENESS, for who I am now and was created to be, and on THIS DAY I choose to LIVE TO THE FULLEST! With no regrets, I will make one step today for my future tomorrow. I will "FORGET the mistakes AND CONTINUE to PRESS FORWARD TOADY for the PRIZE".







Friday, February 24, 2012

Mouse Trap!

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Ok, so I’m not so proud of the incident that got me this lil revelation, however the revelation was so relevant. So I had a mouse in my house recently, I called him “Mickey Flicky”, and I WAS NOT PLEASED! It was even crazier when I didn’t discover him, but a few friends who were at my house were the ones who discovered his presence…..EVEN MORE EMBARASSING! Anyway, I often spoke out loud like I was the mouse whisper, like my friend Lotus Moon, however to no avail, he ignored me. For days in and on I often shouted and showed my displeasure with him being in my house. Now so frantic, not because of him, but more so of his slithering predator, so just the thought of him being there and the potential of what could come scared the living mess out of me. I was so distraught that I found myself creeping around my own house, afraid to move things because I was not sure what I would find.

So to get rid of my non-rent paying visitor, I went and purchased $70 worth of traps and preventative materials. Was this smart….sure if you actually put them down, but I truly believed me “talking” to him would make him leave and that I wouldn’t necessarily have to… SIKE! So I finally made up in my mind, I AM GOING TO GET YOU! I declared one night before I went to bed, that day came and went, and so did a few more days. I finally came to the place where I refused to continue to live cautiously and in fear. I made up in my mind that I would BOLDLY SEEK HIM OUT AND CONFRONT HIM!

That night I came home, made my last warning and began to seek him out. Now I noticed that he loved my storage closet. NEVER did I ever see him in the kitchen, hanging in living room or anything, but when I did see him, to the storage room he went…. So that’s where I began! So with my rain boots on, long sleeve shirt and pants, elbow length gloves and face mask, I open the closet and didn’t immediately see anything out of place….THEN REALITY HIT! I picked up a laundry bag, old college bookbag, shopping bag with some things in it and what did I find!?!?!?!?! POOP! I found why he was in my closet and not my kitchen. It looked as though it had snowed in my closet and all over my things. I became angry, and even furious as I combed through and sorted what I would keep and throw away. Everything from bed linen to old college papers that had been chewed through, and I thought to myself how dare you come in and violate me and my things, especially my organizational materials and professional signs. WHO KNEW THEY EAT PLASTIC!?!?!

As I continued I made it up in my mind…. BAMN (by any means necessary) YOU ARE DEAD! Sorry PETA and I’m a Christian, however NO MERCY! As I got to the last bin, I cried. Then in a moment of being tired and frustrated, and wanting to give up, guess who scrambles from seemingly nowhere and is frantic in the closet?!?! I quickly grabbed the tube of the vacuum cleaner and attempted to catch him. As he frantically ran back and forth every time I tried to catch him, he began doing flips off the wall. He was not going to WILLINGLY let me catch him, but he was making me work for it. I sweated, was out of breath, uncoordinated, afraid, and angry all in the same right …. then I GOT HIM… and HE GOT ME BACK! He ran right through my legs into my kitchen an under the stove.

I later became extremely fearful when I moved the stove and saw where and how he got away. There was an extremely large hole that the pipe to my stove was coming from. I also found that there was a space between the floor and the wall that he could get in and out of. I was then afraid, because there was the potential for more. I didn’t sleep, and the next day I called for help, from my building manager… who seemingly brushed me off, and then I called a friend. My old school South Side of Chicago Mama Oddie loving Stewart Little Catcher neglected herself and came to my rescue. She came attacked my home and combed through every inch of my space and things and helped me lay traps and preventive measures. Once everything was done and we sat to eat and rest, guess what happed …. YUP lil Mickey Flicky peeks from the corner of the same closet I just scrubbed as if to say… GOOD JOB… BUT I’M STILL HERE!!!

At this point I AM FURIOUS AND DETERMINED TO SEE YOU DEAD! I went into straight attack mode. Sparing you additional details, needless to say we awoke to the problem gone. A VICTORY for us! It took all of that! Now the interesting thing is that a few days later that incident spoke volumes. Here’s the TRAP! How often do we find ourselves with intruders in our space and life and we have tools to rid ourselves of them, but we never set them up. We spend time talking about them and to them and yet they never go anywhere, and sometimes we are merely wasting our breath talking to air. We make a plan to attack, but fear keeps us from moving forward. How often do we SEEK out the intruder and say even in fear, I’m moving forward to rid self of you? And when we seek out the intruder, we see exactly how much damage has been done, and makes you wonder “just how long have you been here without me knowing?” “how dare you come in and intrude my space and damage and disrespect my property?” Now the interesting thing about this is that as we combed through my space, I realized that of all the possible entry and exit ways, “IT WAS AS IF I HAD INVITED HIM HERE AND HAD CREATED WAYS FOR HIM TO COME IN.”

How dare I get mad at you for being who you are and doing what you were created to do especially when I basically invited you inside. I had left goodies out of a bag, and I had pulled the cord out of the wall leaving a hole, and I had never checked behind my stove. The whole time I had invited you in and it wasn’t until you made an embarrassment out of me that I recognized how much I’ve lived with you here. How often do we call for backup and assistance with the things that seem to have invaded our lives and made a mess beyond what we thought, and has us fearful of it becoming worse? And even still does that very intruder still pop its ugly head in visible light to let you know, oh you thought I was gone, but sorry… it’s not enough. I had to realize that this was WELL BEYOND A MOUSE, I had intruders, I had the tools, but didn’t use them, and had been living with some of them without even knowing how much damage has been done, and ultimately I had let some of them in and others had access that had I checked prior would not have been in.

Now after all of this I recognized the need to have backup on speed dial and that even then, it is important to have measures in place to keep intruders out, and that sometimes others will notice an intruder in your life before you do. TAKE HEED TO THE WARNING! Seek out what you know and don’t know may be in your space causing damage and disrespecting your space, and if you too have “created” an opportunity for him to come in, set up “

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Free for Me....Mainly for You

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Last year around this time I was a finalist and later chosen to be a contestant on a weight-loss television show. It was this very process that began to stir my spirit for a breakthrough I was to experience later. Things with the show later fell through, which I had expected and I found myself in a new place with wounds that I thought were no longer, open; because they were never really healed rather I had suppressed and hid them from sight.



Later in the year two women I am connect and held accountable with encouraged me to attend a prayer-victory weekend celebration with my church. Like some of you may have thought, I don’t really need to go to, nothing I really want freedom from. And coming was truly the beginning of a new season of breakthrough for me. I came expecting nothing but left with greater expectations for my life and my growth in Christ. It was those days following prayer and that weekend that I began to break loose from things in my life that one I either didn’t know was there, or two simply figured they were “just me” because that’s how I’ve always responded or acted, never knowing it was not of God.



It was for the first time I no longer fronted this fa├žade of confidence, nor secretly compared myself to others, operated as a people pleaser, felt inadequate despite the greatness others saw, walked in fear of objects, places and things, or fear of sharing my faith to groups and masses, verses individuals for fear of being rejected, because it happened before and I didn’t like the feeling that followed. I was for the first time able to say: I LOVE WHO I KNOW ME TO BE AND HONESTLY I'AM EMPTY AND GOD I DESIRE TO SEE ME AS YOU SEE ME! And everyday since has been an amazing rollercoaster of discovery of what dreams, purpose, promise, and destiny God has for me.



I have/had a death gripping fear of hospitals and would have panic attacks at the mere thought of being in one. I recently had a day where the enemy really tried to get me distracted. That Wednesday morning I had gotten into 2 car accidents about 20 minutes apart, got cursed out by a kid when I did get to work and then fell and hyper-extended both legs and tore a ligament at my second job that evening. Feeling the pain, discoloration, and numbness, I knew I had to go to the hospital. I pretended to be ok [I have a meniscal tear and they are proposing surgery] while amongst coworkers, however once in my car the tears began to fall. I tried to call friends. ….and no one answered.



One friend out of state answered and I asked her to pray for me, and she began…but her prayer was not that I be ok and be healed, but that I break through fear and exercise wisdom and go to the hospital, that I experience healing through that. While talking I began to panic, I couldn’t breathe, lost control of my car and so forth. In that moment I pulled to the side, prayed for myself, got back on the highway and drove to the hospital…while still calling for help. What would normally take about 15-20 mins took just shy of an hour for me to get there.



I made it in went through the process and even was released, without a friend. I remember while I was having an attach inside one of the male nurses randomly asked me in the midst of the attack. Where’s your faith? Wait WHAT….. In that moment it wasn’t him, but God asking me that. Later I found out his name was “Angel” go figure!



Once I was home well rested and calm, I began to reflect on what happened, how I responded, and so much more. A co-worker called and prayed for me and we just talked, and she challenged me to really seek God to ask why is it that I respond like that. And as I prayed and meditated, God simply said you running from the very thing I am calling you to face in order to help others experience their breakthrough. IT WASN’T EVEN ABOUT ME……



It was in that moment that I was able to see how my fears over the years have not hindered me, but those around me who he wanted to bless or confirm some things in, but my fears had held me back. Now I thought I had addressed everything and worked through things, but it further confirmed that becoming free is a lifelong process and experiencing victory is a moment but walking free and being victorious is a daily lifestyle. So no I don't know who the "mainly you's" are but I do know that for a far back as I can remember I've always had a different view, perspective, heart, and reason for doing what I do for others. Today, the walk I did wasn't just for me, but it was for every person still out there struggling to walk out freedom from obesity, it was for ever person who has struggled with their weight period, it was for every person who has/had/is boarderline/or has died from high blood pressure, and for every young child who is starting their life in the behind. I understand, though I've never experienced and I feel, even thought its not my pain, but I do know that I no longer choose to be "freely bound in limited captivity" that means the chains that held your shackles together is broken, but you still wear the shackles and walk cautiously in freedom with the mindset of still being captive, because when you free there is limited captivity.



In the end Victory is just that victory and daily we must make the enemy aware and remind him that no longer is that a place of captivity for us, but we've been loosed from the grasp and we choose daily to walk in the victory we have received!



So note to self: ma'am I know you know you have been free from that and you walk in it graciously daily and today yesterday and tomorrow will be no different. I need you to send the enemy a lovely little post-it note with the date attached...this is when I became free and today months later...I'm still free you must have forgotten so this is your reminder for today! AND BOLDLY walk in that Faith you know and I know you have in Christ, because ALL OF YOUR WORK IS UNTO CHRIST AND HE IS PLEASED WITH YOU!!!



Since then I have faced fear in the eye, and just as Kirk Franklin’s recent album, I said “Hello Fear” you have been replaced and each day I have active seeds of faith that draw me closer in my walk, towards my goals, in my purpose, and so much more. I ran on the treadmill for the first time, been drawing closer with friends, using my gifts and walking in them daily, and for the FIRST TIME EVER IN MY LIFE…………. I participated in a mini-marathon with Dr. Ian Smith, to fight against obesity and health related issues and promote health and regular healthcare!!



Last year I would have NEVER done such a thing, had I not experience breakthrough and victory, and CHOOSE to make conscious effort to WALK IN THE VICTORY I’VE RECEIVED, I would not have the testimony I have today! With that being said, I challenge you to now become authentic and transparent with self, experience your own breakthrough and victory and “WALK IT OUT”!!!!
Sincerely,

A Brown Pecan-Mocha Girl * who just ran a mini-marathon**

 

Monday, April 25, 2011

Welcome Back

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Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy New Year, Happy Resurrection Sunday, Happy Birthday, and sooo much more. It's been a minute but guess who's back! So now that the restriction has been lifted, I can talk and share so much of what has happened since this brown pecan-mocha girl began her journey.

So back in May 2010, I got approached with an opportunity to be apart of a weight loss show. Reluctantly I prayed about it and kinda really just thought this would be great, at the same time ..... this would be scary as all get up cause, as outgoing and social as I am .... well lets just say I enjoy being home with a bowl of Fruit Loops, a tee shirt and some sweats, and having my channel stuck on Nicktoons all day and night!! So I went for it and made it to the finalist round and even getting chosen to be on the show (later to have gone through some challenges and had to turn away from the opportunity). Having gone through the process of the show,  it was most difficult emotionally, and I must say it took me going to interviewing in DC going to California with some TV producers and executives that I have never seen in my life, to FINALLY get to a point of opening up and finally facing the things that I've supressed for years, getting to the root of it and being able to experience breakthrough. MUCH NEEDED BREAKTHROUGH!!!

Since this process, I've been awakened, ENLIGHATENED even, and I've been able to really now move forward with purpose and passion in life. With that being said going through the process I wasn't able to blog since it was about my weightloss journey, BUT now that I am released and able to talk about things (generally speaking), I AM BACK!!!!!

With that being said I just wanted to say: I'M BACK WITH SOOOOO MUCH TO SHARE!!!!!
So look forward to weekly posts with so much enlightenment and stuff to share!

Sincerely,
ABBG

Friday, June 25, 2010

I PROMISE .... Scouts Honor....God's Kept

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It’s funny; promises are made and so often easily forgotten, broken, delayed, or denied. I promise to.... and I promise to.... and I promise.... it so easily comes off the tongue and flows into the ears of others. IN THE MOMENT, our hearts are in agreement with our head, or sometimes it’s our Head talking, and we make a declaration that often gets tested by the trials that we face. It’s only then that we see just how much strength we have to persevere and how much faith we have in the ability to fulfill the promise. Recently there have been a lot of things, events, and promises that have surfaced and really challenged me to persevere (James 1:2-12) past my situation and move into what I knew God had promised me to. In the past 2-3 months things had taken a really difficult turn for me and had caused me to be in "the pit" of my feelings, resources, and faith, yet as I was tried, I drew closer to Christ in those times and I not only sit to "be real" with Him and share how I feel but I was challenged to continue to sit LISTEN, to OBEY GOD and experience BREAKTHROUGH ( great book: B.L.O.G. to Marriage by Candace and Tommy Claiborn IV http://www.nextag.com/B-l-o-g-736302882/prices-html though it says "marriage" it’s such a great book for breakthrough by listening and obeying God in every area of life).


In that time spent with Christ, I began to learn more about myself, my purpose, the purpose of my test and trials, and even the effect it has on others. It was revealed in my "real moments with Christ" that I heard so clearly "IT AIN'T ABOUT YOU GIRL" So often we think that "I am the only one going through THIS type of test, and THIS is happening to ME, and YOU just don't understand" and in those statements "we" focus more on ourselves and neglect others and our purpose, because as my pastor (Donnell Jones at Grace Covenant Church DC www.gracecovdc.org) has said in the recent series, you are experiencing a situation that is in violation of the expectation of your destination based off of the declaration from God about your life (Yea I know real Jessie Jackson rhymeish, but you get the picture!) When I realized this, it shifted my focus, to no longer be on whatever situation I was facing, where I lacked, or what I (selfishly) desired, but more so on the hearts and needs of others, and on doing the work of God. As my focus shifted to others and not myself, I began to see that everything for me fell into place and worked itself out, minus my ATTEMPTED help and control. I shared with a friend recently, as they are currently going through what I am walking out of, was this, what kept me going to persevere, and what encouraged my faith was being reminded of God's promise and my "REMEMBER WHEN" moments. Those remember when moments are points and time in your life where you were promised something, and when things didn't look like the promise and even took another turn, but sometime after began to change and come to pass, that deliverance, victory, provision, fulfillment was simply God's kept promise, which is always kept.

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And I came to realize (through a small statement from Kirk Franklin) that "Your [Christ] delay is NOT A DENIAL ... I realize ....YOUR MAKING ME STRONGER NOW" and that these trials are only so that I can become stronger, and that my faith and character would grow and much more would be produced in my life, so that perseverance would be mature and work its complete work so that I would lack nothing for the season and opportunity I am about to step into. When I was in those places of being in my feelings and in the pit, I had to realized that God promised me so much more than what I have, what I can see right now, and much more past the negative things that were being said at the moment, so I had to remind God of what He promised me, and in that I simply was reminding myself and encouraging myself to believe in the declaration and that I will not sit back and sulk, or wait on it to happen without doing anything else, but I would be active with my faith. With others in the bible and in life, I’ve seen how they were who they were and they had lives and at some point God made a declaration to them and their life that promised more, and when the moment was over, they went back to their lives and later experienced trials that tested that promise and their faith in the promise of God. Just like them so have I.


One thing that amazes me, that I realized through last week’s message, was that God promised Abraham and Sarah a son, and it was 24 years later and they still did not see the effects of God’s promise, but when God visited him, he served and worshiped him, and did not question, harass, or challenge God saying “what happened to …….. that you promised” but he served him and worshiped Him as he did, and God remembered that promise and blessed them with the son. Now I had to ask myself, Phi….if this were you, what would you have done …… still served but in the back of my head wondered and might have tried to bring it up in the conversation…. Lord so …. Remember you said ….. uhhh is that going to happen anytime, not that I’m rushing you, but I just wanted to know so I can prepared ….. That’s typically the response, even when a friend, family, job, etc makes a promise we EXPECT it to happen and come IMMEDIATELY, and when it doesn’t its like ….. man you lied, well forget it, or then there is a breach in trust and faith in that person’s ability to uphold their promise and word, and God is nothing like that, He said it, He will do it, but in and at the appropriate time, to so my “EAGERNESS to be prepared, He simply responded…NO CHILD … YOU HAVE BEEN BEING PREPARED DURING YOUR PERIOD OF WAITING, WHILE YOU WERE FOCUDED ON ME, I WAS PRODUCING SOMETHING MORE IN YOU TO BE ALBE TO SUSTAIN, MANAGE, AND KEEP WHAT IS PROMISED TO YOU!

So no I am not God, in the fact that I will break a promise, let you down, fall short, be a little late on fulfilling it, but yet and still I will strive, to keep the promise that I made. Yes it gets hard, no I don’t want to, yes I will WANT to give up, but THIS race is NOT GIVEN [its earned] to the swift or the strong, but to those that endure [persevere] until the end. So to encourage everyone, who reads whether you are doing this weight loss, financial breakthrough, spiritual increase, emotional and mental renewing, "be encouraged" that "trouble don't last always" [two of my favorite old school songs], and that we are in this together and as we run THIS race, let us remember that perseverance must become mature and complete, so that we lack nothing and in the end will wear the crown of LIFE!




Sincerely
ABG





Update






Physically: I lost a total of 13lbs, and then gained 7lbs back, on the grind again, to continue and stay encouraged, the gym is a beast! Mon/Wed - Water Aerobics, Tues/Fri regular workout/weights, Thurs Zumba!






Financially: I do not have a job Cletis! But things are being taken care of I am doing odd jobs and all but I am still actively looking and finding parttime work that allows for me to take care of things.






Spiritually: I am on a HIGH that I don't want to come down from. My prayer has been to listen more and become more sensitive to God's call and prompting so that I respond promptly (with alacrity), because I know that its "NOT ABOUT ME" and that my responding is at the life and stake of someone else's blessing, confirmation, and breakthrough. Pleasing HIM is what's most important to me, and is all that matters.






Emotionally/Mentally: I thought I was going to lose my mind (figuratively speaking) but I took a little break and got away cleared my mind (as much as I could) and now I'm back. Sometimes you have to be renewed, rest and take a break in order for you to be as productive as you need to be for yourself and those around you.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The NAKED Truth

But I've been gone for a while, not because I was running from being ABBG, but I had a major exam for school that I was studying for. I became anxious, nervous, and panicked for it. I tried to divert my mind on other things outside of my test and began to really just TRIP OUT! Needless to say I'm back. So to catch up with where I am I decided to just do ONE REALLY EXTRA LONG post! So if you don't have time now to read it..........come back and do so! So go grab some popcorn, a snack, a drink or two, while I catch you up and EXPOSE THE NAKED TRUTH about me over the past few weeks! ................................................. Ok you're back! Just as I said before I will have some ups and downs and that this was my way of being accountable to not just myself and my commitment but also to you, well that is EAXACTLY what has been happening, despite everything that has been going on in life. So here goes with the update!




Ever felt like you were you and were doing what you were suppose to do, then something happened and you had too many things to hide and was overwhelmed by it all? Ever felt like you did something sooooo bad that you couldn't tell anyone and that you were somehow bad because failed yourself and those who care for you? It’s funny and doesn't matter if you have, because you don't have to I have! I've been on this journey for over a while now, Jan 10th to be specific, and its been interesting. Over the past few weeks I've learned to adjust my eating, cooking, financial, workout, and spiritual behaviors. I've grown, loss, and matured in all over them, but trust they have not come without heartache, tears, and conviction. Now take none of this as blame or brush off, but simply what it is an update and my truth. Over the past few weeks in preparation for this test, I feel back into my old ways of responding to life; eating everything insight, spending, and wanting to sleep. I've stayed with the cooking and keeping that adjusted, and the inclusion of fruits and veggies, but I've also eaten beyond my cut off time, foods that were high in fats and salts, cold drinks, and quick fixes. Typically when stressed these are the behaviors I indulge in eating endlessly, spending unnecessary money, and just being lazy. I've found myself wanting to return back to that place, but also being constantly reminded of the commitment I made.



I ask for accountability and opened myself up to wisdom, rebuke, support and encouragement, but never expected it to be like this, and I am ETERNALLY GREATFUL!



Commitment as defined by Webster is the act of committing to a charge or trust; an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee; an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date; something pledged; the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally compelled. Do they all not speak to me! But i thought about the commitments I've made in the past and kept the ones I've made and did not keep. Then I thought about the commitment I made to follow Christ. Looking back on it that was one of the easiest yet toughest commitments I've made. To let go of my own life and will and follow suit after Him. To remember to stay true and be a witness. I agreed that whatever was to come from this relationship I was willing to endure and would not falter or waiver in my decision to continue to pursue Him. And that meant at all cost, even when I felt like giving up and in, I would choose to turn to Him and deny myself things that were not for my own good. Could i not do this same thing with the things of my natural world? Why does it seem to be soo hard to commit to getting up at the crack of dawn to work out, or to just give up what my tongue feels and my mind says it like; ultimately committing to staying true. God's word and promise, His commitment to us never fails, falters, waivers, or slacks, yet our commitment to Him and others does. If we are to be like Him, then why is it ok to ask for an excuse when we fail to live up to a commitment? WORD IS BOND, SON! Words that have never been truer. Those words, promises, declarations we make are the commitments we hold to Christ and to others. And the truth behind them speaks to our character, weakness, faults, and judgment.



About 2 weeks ago, man I've been gone, I went to my life changers group and we just happened to discuss telling the truth, trusting, and so on. And just prior to going to the meeting I waded about how I would tell how I was doing in this commitment. At the same time I was approached by someone expressing interest in pursuing a relationship with me, and some other things that would require me to commit and/or tell the truth. SIDE BAR TIME OUT: I love how when God is trying to show you something, confirmation will come in sooooooooooo many ways, and later you realize it wasn't even about the things in front of you but more so the principle behind them! OK, TIME IN: So we had the discussion and it was soooo convicting because I knew what I had to do. I had to be honest with where I was in this commitment and also with the gentleman about some things in our relationship. See I had fallen off the good progress I was on and I had lied to him for 3 yeas and never told the truth, about the situation or about my feelings for him in a relationship, and a few other weakness in my life to the people that hold me accountable. I wanted to run an hid, but had been convicted the more I read my word and sough God about my next moves with these things. The scripture that night focused on Genesis 3. And it simply details the act of eating from the tree of knowledge and how Adam and Eve hid from God and was later driven out of the garden. Though I've heard the story so many times before, because of where I was/am it spoke so much more to me. See God had a plan for the two; had made a commitment to them, that they were able to eat, play, and drink (sounds like dave and busters) as they so chose, except from this one tree. And when they chose to break their end of the commitment things changed. See God stayed faithful to His promise, but man was deceived and broke his. Their eyes then became open to the truth, one another, and they ran and then hid from God. He knew exactly where they were and what had happened, but their shame and fear of being naked with each other and God caused them both to hid. God called out to them and they continued to hide, until he called them to step into the open. How often have we hid from God? When he called out to us, we responded and tried to talk and do as he asked from our hiding place? Needless to say, he blamed her, she blamed the serpent, and the serpent kept quiet. In the end God held them all responsible for their actions, and for not holding to their commitment and telling the truth; each receiving their due response.



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Just like them, I had from updating you, I hid some things from him, that would have/has affected our relationship, and I hid from some commitments that should have been made a long time ago. I was afraid, afraid to not be just naked to you and him, but I was afraid of being naked to God, who already knew what was going on and ultimately why. I was afraid to tell the truth because I knew that I would be held accountable to my actions, and had to receive my due responsive consequences, and I didn't want to. I didn't want to take responsibility, but I did, with the assistance of 2 amazing friends "My Capital City" and "Lil JoJo" who hounded me every day, and the liberty that followed me telling the truth was the most liberating feeling ever. Needless to say again, from that moment forward I was convicted EVERY SINGLE WAKING MOMENT OF THE DAY, UNTIL I TOLD THE TRUTH AND HELD TO MY COMMITMENT!



Every person, well just about every person, in my life that knows where I am and where I'm coming from challenged, rebuked, fussed at, called, text, emailed, and so on, me about where I was and what I was doing. No longer hiding behind the excuse of my test, because I found time to do all these other things, I confess to you where I am.

Physically: I am now at 354lbs form 366lbs - could have been down more but I've slacked on working out and I was eating the wrong stuff. From there I still loss some but not as much. Since then I've started working out and strengthening more, I've gone down a dress size, and can wear a dress from Old Navy. (still gotta get it looking right, but the fact that I can get in it is amazing to me!) I've changed the eating but still need to cut things out of my diet. I must give a hand out to "Homie, Lover, Friend" and to "Craving Killer KeKe" who consistently challenge and show me that this something that can be fought and overcome, and that each day is a struggle, but is well worth it in the end. And to those of you who are trying the new dishes with me, thanks, I know your taste buds have been all over the place!


Financially: In the past 3 weeks I have spent approximately $350 on unnecessary stuff. Though it was spring clothes, some of it also went to wigs and grabbing a quick meal while out. Since then I have also saved $400 (though minus the wigs and stuff it could have been $750) need mind you I am now unemployed again. I realized my saving should not be contingent upon me not having a job and trying to save, but in both having an job and jobless, I should be able to saving. THANKS TC WELLS FOR STAYING ON TOP OF ME! YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION AND PERSONAL CONVICTION ALL IN ONE!

Spiritually: I've come to a greater and more challenging place in Christ and seeing Him in a new way. I must be in a season of conviction as it relates to commitments, and also in a season of receptivity for rebuke and wisdom. Before I've been rebellious, YES I ADMIT IT, but I have been more transparent and open and have been able to receive from both those I hold near and others I would not typically expect to even open up to (not just random people though, I still exercise wisdom, can be receiving from *$R$(*&($*@()#*) ies). I am appreciative of all of you who have poured into and continuously extract the foolishness from my life.



In the end, we never want to be naked, exposed or found faulty, it shows our flaws, and at times we make excuses for why we can't do something, which is usually an excuse for why we won't do something, but if you can make a commitment for something small then why not make a commitment that will be life changing and everlasting!



**** Random thought: After reading it, this is truly just one big excuse so forget the disclaimers and excuses but get the point behind it, LOL *****

Friday, February 12, 2010

REALITY CHECK......WAIT....Who Gon Check Me Boo!

                  The other day a good friend of mine (HomieLOverFriend) and I were talking and he (going through the weight loss process as well) asked "What if you wake up tomorrow morning and you were skinny? You were the size and shape you wanted to be, what would you do?" And in the moment I answered honestly, I said nothing. I mean I would go and get new clothes and be like ok. And since being asked, the question stayed in my thoughts, and I've really wondered if it happened what would I do?

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                This past week my BigBro also sent me a link ( http://www.gracecov.org/media/special-events/2010/jan/26/weight-loss-nutrition-seminar-part-1/ ) to a interview with a man who used to play proball and struggled with his weight even though for his position required a heavier weight he weighed more than that even when he wasn't playing. (YOU HAVE TO HEAR IT MAN IT IS THE TRUTH FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE EVER STRUGGLED WITH IT) As I sat and listened to the interview in total silence, I happened to hear him in the interview, but saw myself answering each of the questions and sharing my own struggle with the process. And as I listened intently to his heart I began to weep for my own, one thing he mentioned is that though he felt the clothes getting tighter and know things didn't fit right anymore, though he never got on a scale or looked in a mirror, he KNEW it was a problem, but he NEVER wanted to FACE HIS REALITY, and that kept him in hiding to where he couldn't even share his weight and health concerns with his wife, which now presented an even greater growing issue.

                 As this man made this statement I couldn't help but have my own REALITY CHECK. Just like him, I realized that I don't get on scales, except at the doctor with the massive old one with those dreadful sliding weight things oh how I hate them, I don't really get in mirrors, full length rather, and that I often feel that I can't and don't seriously talk about my weight/health, unless the person is going through the same thing. Me doing these things were/are my way of ESCAPING MY REALITY, and NOT FACING my own. If you noticed many of my pics are with me shoulders up, face only, cause I'm cute duh, but also because I am not confident in what the rest of me looks like. I mean don't get me wrong, I can dress it up, I can make this thang look good, but I honestly use the philosophy "OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND" and the fact of me even going through this journey and sharing it with you, ESPECIALLY THOSE PICTURES, started because when I took a picture with a friend I SAW what my body looked like, I passed by a reflecting mirror and SAW what I did to my temple it was a slap in my face "REALITY CHECK" No longer could I run from it, because it was that that made me see just how far I had gone.
                 Now I've had many warning, and "red flags" along the way that SHOULD have checked me, but I failed to pay attention to them because I felt that if I didn't face it, it would just go away. WRONG! At 22, April 21, 2006 just 2 1/2 weeks before I was to graduate from college I had an acute heartattack, collapsed artery, (the very thing that killed my uncle at 33 my freshman year) about a year and a half later other health issues relating to women developed, and all of the common signs of obesity were evident in my life, even after hearing "If you don't lose the weight you will die, and if you lose the weight many of your health issues now will be managed" I didn't do anything. HOWEVER NOW things are different, my perspective on my temple and what I am doing it for is far greater than me just doing it. before I felt like I'm not doing it because you want me to, because I want to get a "man", because of this and that, and I will do it when I GET READY, I’m GROWN (that was prideful, guarded, self-control less, defensive back blocking progress )but honestly, because I WAS RUNNING from so many things in my life, and the food gave comfort and no disappointment or talk back, food never said no and had become my best friend (Sorry Get Fresh Crew, yes above you too :-) However, I see this is FAR GREATER THAN ME. So, me now being held accountable (KV my AP and TWIN you on it) to other people in this journey, holds me up. I feel more committed because I am setting my weekly goals, and seeing the successes and adjustments in my diet, exercise, and all and it keeps me positive and encouraged to press on. So I openly say “WHO GON CHECK ME BOO!?!” Before I was closed and not welcoming, but now my heart is open and the soil is soft, the seed has been planted and your accountability, words of encouragement, and stories of your own challenges water my seed, and as you do so, my spirit is growing in so much more as I go along and seek Christ in this process.
                 I've come realize that those who Christ recognized as being a great, honorable, and favorable in his eyes SOUGHT HIM and BELIEVED MORE IN HIM than in themselves, what they had, and what they were to gain from it. It was their character and the essence of their heart that dictated their behaviors and the words that came from them. Galations 5:22-23 talks about the frutis of the Spirit, the characteristic of Christ, which are the very things that I seek to be evident in my own life, and what I found is that we I submit to Christ and seek after him, those fruits and attributes will grow within me and will become evident in my life, and will help guide me along this journey.
               So in the end to answer the question, what would I do, I have a different answer. I would be shocked and surprised, and I honestly be like ok, quitting cold turkey leaves room for more temptation and an increased chance of me going back, and I wouldn’t appreciate it as much, because me going through the process the HARD WAY…OHHH ITS HARD RESISTING TEMPTATION… I’m GAINING so much more from Christ and those around me, I’m LEARNING more about myself, my new behaviors, nutrition, finances, so that I can MAINTAIN and BETTER MANAGE what I will have, and ultimately I’m DEFEATING more of the things that have held me bound through this process, which makes me appreciate my journey and the testimony of those around me!



** This past week (since the last blog) I’ve had 2 moderate days and 3 failures (financial and nutritional), BUT I had 11.7 SUCCESSES! I’ve improved on eating more healthy meals and snacks throughout the day, and I started portion control (this week’s new goal). And I’m PROUD of myself! Check the recipe section for this week’s new recipe and a few pics of previous meals will be up soon.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Its IN SIGHT!

“How are you doing it?” “Are you cutting calories, going cold turkey, what?” “What are you working towards?” are just a few of the questions I’ve been faced with these past two days, since deciding to do this blog. It’s funny because of the stories I’ve heard and shared with people in these past few days has already been an encouragement to me in the process, but has also showed me just how so many of the people who are around me and extending out are all in the same place (TOLD YOU WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER). It’s funny because at church on Sunday, the message talked about “Pressing On” for the “Prize” ( http://www.gracecovdc.org/media/2010/jan/31/pressing/ ) and ultimately going through this journey to keep me focused I have to have a goal in mind, and prize, that will help keep me focused on what I am doing, because "when I get distracted, I get seperated from my prize, and when I get pressed, I MUST CONTINUE TO PRESS ON" in order to regain my focus (My Big Bro wink wink!)
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            I happened to watched a movie on Lifetime, and no it wasn’t about a child being lost and reunited or about a woman being beaten by her husband, but it was called “Lying to be Perfect” and in short it detailed the journey of this lady who was lying about who she was, she created an alter ego, to reach her goal of becoming a head writer for this magazine, since she was not given the opportunity to because she did not “look the part.” She and her friends were denied seating in a preferred spot in the window, and “assumed” it was because they were overweight. The friends took this and established a commitment to one another to lose the weight and they each had individual goals, but collectively the goal was to go back to the restaurant and sit in that section. Watching this movie, hit home in soooo many ways, it really took me looking at myself and how I had change for the people around me, or because someone said I couldn’t or wasn’t “enough, the right one, or even their type” and on the inside it hurt but on the outside “I could never show it.” And like many, in my head and on the inside I am physically and someone different from what you may see or presume from the outside, and that was one of the many messages I got from the show (there were so many more but you know I could talk you to death about them :-) but I won’t).
            One of the other things I told you about was that this is a “LIFESTYLE CHANGE” and that means that it transcends just the physical change of me, and taps into the spiritual and financial (THANKS TC WELLS) aspects of my life, because overall I want to experience freedom in these areas, but as usual for what reason. If I experience freedom and I no longer struggle with my weight, temptations, debt and so many other things, what will it mean if that is simply the end? It will be as if I have arrived, but will have no real reason to continue. TC Wells asked me before why do you want to be financially free? And I responded to be free out of debt, and he responded …OK anything else? And because me doing it was solely for me focused, with others benefiting along the way, but mainly for me. It made me look at things differently. It made me look at all the people who could and would benefit from me becoming financially free.
             Just like with that, I am looking at my goals a little differently not simply what I want but how what I want impacts the lives of others. With this in mind I set short term and long term goals, and I will share them below, because that was the only way I was able to fight against my flesh and physical desires, was to think about my goals and how if I fell into the temptation, how I would fall out of sight of my goals and consistency (which I often lack). As I pondered rolling into the drive thru at Taco Bell, after switching lanes about 6 times on my way home from work, I literally had to talk out loud to myself and say no I didn’t need it, and as my desires YELLED BACK “No one will know and its simply 4 tacos and a drink” I felt empowered by the immediate flashed reminder of what, why, and who I’m doing this for. Still wanting it I called a friend (The Beast #2 AK) I confessed what I desired and shared how I NEEDED encouragement, and she did just that let me vent, cry (LITERALLY) and fuss and she simply encouraged me with the smallest words “I’m proud of what you are trying to do.” As I cried going into the grocery store HUNGRY (HOOONEGRY) I was tempted soon as I walked in, but talking to her encouraged me to make that quick right and stock up on fruits, which are foreign to my normal diet and look out of place in my basket (like Americans in another country trying to speak English). It was a struggle but it was my “TODAY SUCCESS!” I took the stairs today (both up and down at work and in the building) I lifted kids as weights at work, parked further in the parking lot and walked the incline into the building….all simple forms of exercise for me. Like I shared with “MY TWIN” I set daily and weekly goals to help me feel like I’m accomplishing something, which in turn motivates me to keep going! So my question to you is, what are you goals? Who else, other than yourself, do they impact? And I now ask you the "ok..what else" because after you arrive, what will then become you goal, what will you continue to "press on towards?" So again THIS IS IT! Today, check... a success, tomorrow who knows, but TODAY was a success!

Goals

Physical
Short: Fit into my “Yellow Dress” by my birthday (6 months from now, August 1st) Long: Inspire other women and young ladies to make lifestyle changes that will show holistic results and will impact the lives of those around them. Understanding loving themselves for where they are, while addressing the underlying issues and attempting to improve their life and health.

Spiritual
Short: Identify the daily promises of God for my life and my future! Long: Develop the character of Christ in order to tap into the life I’m suppose to have but has been stunted by my on inhibitions. And walk with others to break free spiritually from the same strongholds.

Financial
Short: To save a minimum of $250 a month Long: To be DEBT FREE (NOT including student loans, cause that is just a hot mess) in the next 5 years.