The Decloration of My Diary: MY DAILY PLEDGE

I am who I am, and I LOVE ME, IN ALL OF MY UNIQUENESS, for who I am now and was created to be, and on THIS DAY I choose to LIVE TO THE FULLEST! With no regrets, I will make one step today for my future tomorrow. I will "FORGET the mistakes AND CONTINUE to PRESS FORWARD TOADY for the PRIZE".

Friday, February 12, 2010

REALITY CHECK......WAIT....Who Gon Check Me Boo!

                  The other day a good friend of mine (HomieLOverFriend) and I were talking and he (going through the weight loss process as well) asked "What if you wake up tomorrow morning and you were skinny? You were the size and shape you wanted to be, what would you do?" And in the moment I answered honestly, I said nothing. I mean I would go and get new clothes and be like ok. And since being asked, the question stayed in my thoughts, and I've really wondered if it happened what would I do?

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                This past week my BigBro also sent me a link ( ) to a interview with a man who used to play proball and struggled with his weight even though for his position required a heavier weight he weighed more than that even when he wasn't playing. (YOU HAVE TO HEAR IT MAN IT IS THE TRUTH FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE EVER STRUGGLED WITH IT) As I sat and listened to the interview in total silence, I happened to hear him in the interview, but saw myself answering each of the questions and sharing my own struggle with the process. And as I listened intently to his heart I began to weep for my own, one thing he mentioned is that though he felt the clothes getting tighter and know things didn't fit right anymore, though he never got on a scale or looked in a mirror, he KNEW it was a problem, but he NEVER wanted to FACE HIS REALITY, and that kept him in hiding to where he couldn't even share his weight and health concerns with his wife, which now presented an even greater growing issue.

                 As this man made this statement I couldn't help but have my own REALITY CHECK. Just like him, I realized that I don't get on scales, except at the doctor with the massive old one with those dreadful sliding weight things oh how I hate them, I don't really get in mirrors, full length rather, and that I often feel that I can't and don't seriously talk about my weight/health, unless the person is going through the same thing. Me doing these things were/are my way of ESCAPING MY REALITY, and NOT FACING my own. If you noticed many of my pics are with me shoulders up, face only, cause I'm cute duh, but also because I am not confident in what the rest of me looks like. I mean don't get me wrong, I can dress it up, I can make this thang look good, but I honestly use the philosophy "OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND" and the fact of me even going through this journey and sharing it with you, ESPECIALLY THOSE PICTURES, started because when I took a picture with a friend I SAW what my body looked like, I passed by a reflecting mirror and SAW what I did to my temple it was a slap in my face "REALITY CHECK" No longer could I run from it, because it was that that made me see just how far I had gone.
                 Now I've had many warning, and "red flags" along the way that SHOULD have checked me, but I failed to pay attention to them because I felt that if I didn't face it, it would just go away. WRONG! At 22, April 21, 2006 just 2 1/2 weeks before I was to graduate from college I had an acute heartattack, collapsed artery, (the very thing that killed my uncle at 33 my freshman year) about a year and a half later other health issues relating to women developed, and all of the common signs of obesity were evident in my life, even after hearing "If you don't lose the weight you will die, and if you lose the weight many of your health issues now will be managed" I didn't do anything. HOWEVER NOW things are different, my perspective on my temple and what I am doing it for is far greater than me just doing it. before I felt like I'm not doing it because you want me to, because I want to get a "man", because of this and that, and I will do it when I GET READY, I’m GROWN (that was prideful, guarded, self-control less, defensive back blocking progress )but honestly, because I WAS RUNNING from so many things in my life, and the food gave comfort and no disappointment or talk back, food never said no and had become my best friend (Sorry Get Fresh Crew, yes above you too :-) However, I see this is FAR GREATER THAN ME. So, me now being held accountable (KV my AP and TWIN you on it) to other people in this journey, holds me up. I feel more committed because I am setting my weekly goals, and seeing the successes and adjustments in my diet, exercise, and all and it keeps me positive and encouraged to press on. So I openly say “WHO GON CHECK ME BOO!?!” Before I was closed and not welcoming, but now my heart is open and the soil is soft, the seed has been planted and your accountability, words of encouragement, and stories of your own challenges water my seed, and as you do so, my spirit is growing in so much more as I go along and seek Christ in this process.
                 I've come realize that those who Christ recognized as being a great, honorable, and favorable in his eyes SOUGHT HIM and BELIEVED MORE IN HIM than in themselves, what they had, and what they were to gain from it. It was their character and the essence of their heart that dictated their behaviors and the words that came from them. Galations 5:22-23 talks about the frutis of the Spirit, the characteristic of Christ, which are the very things that I seek to be evident in my own life, and what I found is that we I submit to Christ and seek after him, those fruits and attributes will grow within me and will become evident in my life, and will help guide me along this journey.
               So in the end to answer the question, what would I do, I have a different answer. I would be shocked and surprised, and I honestly be like ok, quitting cold turkey leaves room for more temptation and an increased chance of me going back, and I wouldn’t appreciate it as much, because me going through the process the HARD WAY…OHHH ITS HARD RESISTING TEMPTATION… I’m GAINING so much more from Christ and those around me, I’m LEARNING more about myself, my new behaviors, nutrition, finances, so that I can MAINTAIN and BETTER MANAGE what I will have, and ultimately I’m DEFEATING more of the things that have held me bound through this process, which makes me appreciate my journey and the testimony of those around me!

** This past week (since the last blog) I’ve had 2 moderate days and 3 failures (financial and nutritional), BUT I had 11.7 SUCCESSES! I’ve improved on eating more healthy meals and snacks throughout the day, and I started portion control (this week’s new goal). And I’m PROUD of myself! Check the recipe section for this week’s new recipe and a few pics of previous meals will be up soon.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


“How are you doing it?” “Are you cutting calories, going cold turkey, what?” “What are you working towards?” are just a few of the questions I’ve been faced with these past two days, since deciding to do this blog. It’s funny because of the stories I’ve heard and shared with people in these past few days has already been an encouragement to me in the process, but has also showed me just how so many of the people who are around me and extending out are all in the same place (TOLD YOU WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER). It’s funny because at church on Sunday, the message talked about “Pressing On” for the “Prize” ( ) and ultimately going through this journey to keep me focused I have to have a goal in mind, and prize, that will help keep me focused on what I am doing, because "when I get distracted, I get seperated from my prize, and when I get pressed, I MUST CONTINUE TO PRESS ON" in order to regain my focus (My Big Bro wink wink!)
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            I happened to watched a movie on Lifetime, and no it wasn’t about a child being lost and reunited or about a woman being beaten by her husband, but it was called “Lying to be Perfect” and in short it detailed the journey of this lady who was lying about who she was, she created an alter ego, to reach her goal of becoming a head writer for this magazine, since she was not given the opportunity to because she did not “look the part.” She and her friends were denied seating in a preferred spot in the window, and “assumed” it was because they were overweight. The friends took this and established a commitment to one another to lose the weight and they each had individual goals, but collectively the goal was to go back to the restaurant and sit in that section. Watching this movie, hit home in soooo many ways, it really took me looking at myself and how I had change for the people around me, or because someone said I couldn’t or wasn’t “enough, the right one, or even their type” and on the inside it hurt but on the outside “I could never show it.” And like many, in my head and on the inside I am physically and someone different from what you may see or presume from the outside, and that was one of the many messages I got from the show (there were so many more but you know I could talk you to death about them :-) but I won’t).
            One of the other things I told you about was that this is a “LIFESTYLE CHANGE” and that means that it transcends just the physical change of me, and taps into the spiritual and financial (THANKS TC WELLS) aspects of my life, because overall I want to experience freedom in these areas, but as usual for what reason. If I experience freedom and I no longer struggle with my weight, temptations, debt and so many other things, what will it mean if that is simply the end? It will be as if I have arrived, but will have no real reason to continue. TC Wells asked me before why do you want to be financially free? And I responded to be free out of debt, and he responded …OK anything else? And because me doing it was solely for me focused, with others benefiting along the way, but mainly for me. It made me look at things differently. It made me look at all the people who could and would benefit from me becoming financially free.
             Just like with that, I am looking at my goals a little differently not simply what I want but how what I want impacts the lives of others. With this in mind I set short term and long term goals, and I will share them below, because that was the only way I was able to fight against my flesh and physical desires, was to think about my goals and how if I fell into the temptation, how I would fall out of sight of my goals and consistency (which I often lack). As I pondered rolling into the drive thru at Taco Bell, after switching lanes about 6 times on my way home from work, I literally had to talk out loud to myself and say no I didn’t need it, and as my desires YELLED BACK “No one will know and its simply 4 tacos and a drink” I felt empowered by the immediate flashed reminder of what, why, and who I’m doing this for. Still wanting it I called a friend (The Beast #2 AK) I confessed what I desired and shared how I NEEDED encouragement, and she did just that let me vent, cry (LITERALLY) and fuss and she simply encouraged me with the smallest words “I’m proud of what you are trying to do.” As I cried going into the grocery store HUNGRY (HOOONEGRY) I was tempted soon as I walked in, but talking to her encouraged me to make that quick right and stock up on fruits, which are foreign to my normal diet and look out of place in my basket (like Americans in another country trying to speak English). It was a struggle but it was my “TODAY SUCCESS!” I took the stairs today (both up and down at work and in the building) I lifted kids as weights at work, parked further in the parking lot and walked the incline into the building….all simple forms of exercise for me. Like I shared with “MY TWIN” I set daily and weekly goals to help me feel like I’m accomplishing something, which in turn motivates me to keep going! So my question to you is, what are you goals? Who else, other than yourself, do they impact? And I now ask you the "ok..what else" because after you arrive, what will then become you goal, what will you continue to "press on towards?" So again THIS IS IT! Today, check... a success, tomorrow who knows, but TODAY was a success!


Short: Fit into my “Yellow Dress” by my birthday (6 months from now, August 1st) Long: Inspire other women and young ladies to make lifestyle changes that will show holistic results and will impact the lives of those around them. Understanding loving themselves for where they are, while addressing the underlying issues and attempting to improve their life and health.

Short: Identify the daily promises of God for my life and my future! Long: Develop the character of Christ in order to tap into the life I’m suppose to have but has been stunted by my on inhibitions. And walk with others to break free spiritually from the same strongholds.

Short: To save a minimum of $250 a month Long: To be DEBT FREE (NOT including student loans, cause that is just a hot mess) in the next 5 years.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Brown Girl vs ME: Its ON!

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Alright, soooo here it is! Today marks the beginning of this thing I call "change!" Now I am not too familiar with anyone who like or even enjoys "change" but I've decided to give it a try. I've decided to give my life, attitude, perspective, and future a body lift. Now instead of investing in a multimillion dollar cosmetic procedure, that I cannot afford right now, I figured I'd follow what I know I was supposed to do a long time ago, and simply journal my way with so many other through this process. In these next few days, weeks, months, years, and all I will be sharing my story, my struggle, my highs, lows, and the MANY revelations and impartations of wisdom about life, changing, and growing and maturing into who I am destined to become. This is simply an introduction to what this means and has the potential to become for not just me, but for those of you who are IN THE CHANGE, ABOUT TO COME INTO IT, and ESPECIALLY THOSE WAITING ON THE SIDELINE! I pray this is a moment where I not only share my heart and have VM's (vulnerable moments) with you, but where you also keep me accountable and share your successes, wisdom, support, and healthy recipes with me, as I become more like the person I fell I am! I look forward to this journey, and i promise to be as open, honest, vulnerable and consistent as possible!I mean seeing that I have posted pics of my BOOOODY in tights on here! And I can promise you there will be times of celebrations and accomplishments, failure, mistakes, cheating, attitudes, excuses, and soooooo much more, but overall I am committed to seeing where this goes, and how my faithfulness will pay off not just on a different outside (which is not the prize) but with much persistence and freedom from what has held me bound for years! I love ya and look forward to seeing where the plight of the brown girl takes me!THIS IS IT! (Kirk Franklin is the beginning theme song)