Saturday, May 14, 2011
Last year around this time I was a finalist and later chosen to be a contestant on a weight-loss television show. It was this very process that began to stir my spirit for a breakthrough I was to experience later. Things with the show later fell through, which I had expected and I found myself in a new place with wounds that I thought were no longer, open; because they were never really healed rather I had suppressed and hid them from sight.
Later in the year two women I am connect and held accountable with encouraged me to attend a prayer-victory weekend celebration with my church. Like some of you may have thought, I don’t really need to go to, nothing I really want freedom from. And coming was truly the beginning of a new season of breakthrough for me. I came expecting nothing but left with greater expectations for my life and my growth in Christ. It was those days following prayer and that weekend that I began to break loose from things in my life that one I either didn’t know was there, or two simply figured they were “just me” because that’s how I’ve always responded or acted, never knowing it was not of God.
It was for the first time I no longer fronted this façade of confidence, nor secretly compared myself to others, operated as a people pleaser, felt inadequate despite the greatness others saw, walked in fear of objects, places and things, or fear of sharing my faith to groups and masses, verses individuals for fear of being rejected, because it happened before and I didn’t like the feeling that followed. I was for the first time able to say: I LOVE WHO I KNOW ME TO BE AND HONESTLY I'AM EMPTY AND GOD I DESIRE TO SEE ME AS YOU SEE ME! And everyday since has been an amazing rollercoaster of discovery of what dreams, purpose, promise, and destiny God has for me.
I have/had a death gripping fear of hospitals and would have panic attacks at the mere thought of being in one. I recently had a day where the enemy really tried to get me distracted. That Wednesday morning I had gotten into 2 car accidents about 20 minutes apart, got cursed out by a kid when I did get to work and then fell and hyper-extended both legs and tore a ligament at my second job that evening. Feeling the pain, discoloration, and numbness, I knew I had to go to the hospital. I pretended to be ok [I have a meniscal tear and they are proposing surgery] while amongst coworkers, however once in my car the tears began to fall. I tried to call friends. ….and no one answered.
One friend out of state answered and I asked her to pray for me, and she began…but her prayer was not that I be ok and be healed, but that I break through fear and exercise wisdom and go to the hospital, that I experience healing through that. While talking I began to panic, I couldn’t breathe, lost control of my car and so forth. In that moment I pulled to the side, prayed for myself, got back on the highway and drove to the hospital…while still calling for help. What would normally take about 15-20 mins took just shy of an hour for me to get there.
I made it in went through the process and even was released, without a friend. I remember while I was having an attach inside one of the male nurses randomly asked me in the midst of the attack. Where’s your faith? Wait WHAT….. In that moment it wasn’t him, but God asking me that. Later I found out his name was “Angel” go figure!
Once I was home well rested and calm, I began to reflect on what happened, how I responded, and so much more. A co-worker called and prayed for me and we just talked, and she challenged me to really seek God to ask why is it that I respond like that. And as I prayed and meditated, God simply said you running from the very thing I am calling you to face in order to help others experience their breakthrough. IT WASN’T EVEN ABOUT ME……
It was in that moment that I was able to see how my fears over the years have not hindered me, but those around me who he wanted to bless or confirm some things in, but my fears had held me back. Now I thought I had addressed everything and worked through things, but it further confirmed that becoming free is a lifelong process and experiencing victory is a moment but walking free and being victorious is a daily lifestyle. So no I don't know who the "mainly you's" are but I do know that for a far back as I can remember I've always had a different view, perspective, heart, and reason for doing what I do for others. Today, the walk I did wasn't just for me, but it was for every person still out there struggling to walk out freedom from obesity, it was for ever person who has struggled with their weight period, it was for every person who has/had/is boarderline/or has died from high blood pressure, and for every young child who is starting their life in the behind. I understand, though I've never experienced and I feel, even thought its not my pain, but I do know that I no longer choose to be "freely bound in limited captivity" that means the chains that held your shackles together is broken, but you still wear the shackles and walk cautiously in freedom with the mindset of still being captive, because when you free there is limited captivity.
In the end Victory is just that victory and daily we must make the enemy aware and remind him that no longer is that a place of captivity for us, but we've been loosed from the grasp and we choose daily to walk in the victory we have received!
So note to self: ma'am I know you know you have been free from that and you walk in it graciously daily and today yesterday and tomorrow will be no different. I need you to send the enemy a lovely little post-it note with the date attached...this is when I became free and today months later...I'm still free you must have forgotten so this is your reminder for today! AND BOLDLY walk in that Faith you know and I know you have in Christ, because ALL OF YOUR WORK IS UNTO CHRIST AND HE IS PLEASED WITH YOU!!!
Since then I have faced fear in the eye, and just as Kirk Franklin’s recent album, I said “Hello Fear” you have been replaced and each day I have active seeds of faith that draw me closer in my walk, towards my goals, in my purpose, and so much more. I ran on the treadmill for the first time, been drawing closer with friends, using my gifts and walking in them daily, and for the FIRST TIME EVER IN MY LIFE…………. I participated in a mini-marathon with Dr. Ian Smith, to fight against obesity and health related issues and promote health and regular healthcare!!
Last year I would have NEVER done such a thing, had I not experience breakthrough and victory, and CHOOSE to make conscious effort to WALK IN THE VICTORY I’VE RECEIVED, I would not have the testimony I have today! With that being said, I challenge you to now become authentic and transparent with self, experience your own breakthrough and victory and “WALK IT OUT”!!!!
A Brown Pecan-Mocha Girl * who just ran a mini-marathon**